I've tried to keep a diary, a journal, a blog before and failed epically but it seems like every day I think "OH! I should totally blog that!". So I'm not promising a daily post but I've decided that besides my weekly wrap up I'm going to randomly post if I want to!
Today's post is about memory.... or lack thereof. I had intended to discuss this in my report for last week but I wasn't really ready for all of the emotion that is behind it. I think I am now so here goes nothing! Losing my memory has really been the most challenging of all of the symptoms I've experienced with FM. Oftentimes, I find myself stopping dead in my tracks because I've forgotten where I was going. Sometimes I arrive there but once I get there, I don't remember why I'm there. I like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person with a pretty good vocabulary but sometimes I can't remember a word that I want to use in a sentence. (Thankfully, I'm still able to come up with similar words to get my point across and oftentimes the person I'm talking to comes up with the word I actually wanted for me.) Sometimes I forget halfway through the sentence what I was saying. I'm currently trying to remember what plans I had made for this Friday last week and I'm at a point that I'm not even sure I DID have plans to start with. Now memory, for me at least, is a tricky thing. I have very specific and vivid memories of some events..... some of them important, some of them seemingly meaningless. Other events, I've got very foggy or vague recollections. Some seem to be gone for good, though I hope that's not the case.
I look at people who I've known for years and can't come up with a name or where I know them from. If I DO come up with a name, sometimes that's all that I can get. I get friend requests on Facebook from people and I look at the name and the picture and I get a blank even if we have 50 friends in common who went to the same school. I see people out in the store and I feel like I should know them but I can't place them at all. I'm not trying to ignore you but if I don't talk to you it's because I'm embarrassed because I have no clue who you are or how I know you.
If we've made plans and I didn't show up or cancelled at the last minute, chances are that I forgot until it was too late or I double booked myself. Sometimes it's simply because I'm too tired. If we're having a discussion and I seem to get agitated or annoyed, chances are I'm struggling to remember what we're talking about. Sometimes I think I remember things that never happened so I might even hold a grudge over something that never really even occurred.
Okay, I've stalled enough, here's the emotional stuff. I have been in bed after a bout of forgetting something important and wished that I wouldn't wake up the next morning because I couldn't bear another day of forgetting even more. I think this has to be the closest you can come to having Alzheimer's without actually having it and at my age the thought of having another 30-50 years of this is unbearable. To forget very significant events in your life is devastating to say the least. I have memories of the day that Kyle was born but I feel like I'm missing the most important stuff. I don't remember seeing him for the first time, or his first bottle. I don't remember holding him and I don't remember what he smelled like as a baby. I've forgotten the first day of preschool and even the events of Kindergarten-hell are starting to fade a bit. Sometimes I feel like I have trouble relating to him as "my child" instead of a "small friend" and I think that's what I'm losing with my memory because I don't have those mother-baby connection memories. I also have a harder time dealing with death now because once that person has passed, I'm afraid my memories will go right along with them and eventually it will be like they never existed in my life. I remember my Gram used to laugh a lot, but I can't remember the sound of it. If I seem to grieve longer than others, it's because I feel like that's the only way I can hold onto them.
I AM starting to feel better. I don't feel like I'm forgetting as much as I was before. I can even tell you today what I had for dinner last night and for me that's pretty impressive. I don't know if long-term memory loss is recoverable so we'll have to see what happens with that. So far, short-term is improving but really in the long run, I don't care what I ate for dinner the day before.... I just don't want to lose my past. Enough for now, thanks for reading.
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